i'm pissed

yeah, i come running to u again baby, every time without fail when i feel so god damn mad. i noe when i'm losing it and and since those ridiculous people won't even let me spiral out of control, i can only turn to u, my faithful, uncomplaining blog. oh, always so dependable..

u noe what, i had enough of people breakin their promises and turning their backs on me...if u're a friend and u think u never did dat to me den u're so wrong, cos i had been let down so many times u must have been one of them, which means u had contributed to making me a suppressed, pent up crackpot and believe it when i crack, u dun want to see it.

okay, dis was what happened. something that was promised to me had been posponed--FOR ANOTHER WEEK! ok its a big deal, u dun noe how long i've been made to wait, and now THIS. I mean i was so close and it was just snatched right under my nose.
Maybe...the motivation of my anger is just its the whole secret fear of that particular something, that u want but will always elude u everytime u think u r near.

well at least, if u're gonna disappoint me, dun do it last minute, and if u really need to do dat, at least have the decency of ALLOWING me feel angry.

It's crazy, everybody thinks u're sane and sensible and u should just act like an adult and dat means show some magnanimity. but come on, don't i even have the right to feel angry! i'll get over it but i still deserve to own my 5 min of feeling like total crap. i'm human...in fact while im typing this i've already cooled down and u can see dat i'm talkin more coherently already.

oh and did i mention i think i haf sado masochistic thoughts every time i'm pissed....just to get bk, get even...now i feel like chopping my hair off...

and TV is senseless...know dat article: TV w/o borders.....it should be TV without sense man...

i'll tell u y...nxt entry.
Ciao

.............

i didn't think i'll be eatin my words this soon.

But yes, in all honesty like blogs should be, i'm feelin kindof melancholic now, now that its late into the nite.... Night time simply has this funny effect on people, it sort of makes them soft and vulnerable to the assaults of earthly emotions...sigh, what am i saying... actually there isn't any particular thing i wanna say in this entry, i'm just here because i feel like a huge polo sweet wif a hole in de middle....so holy...wahahah.

i need to get away from people...some people are hopeless and i dun wanna associate wif them in ANY way but i just can't help it some unkind twist of fate and i'm kinda stuck wif these people. Yuck, y does life suck so much...

and i need to get away fr guys, just time out, i can't stand them....really...now i noe its not hard afterall to get lesbian tendencies, i mean they're such a bunch of Lxxsers...

pathetic no more

Okay. today i overslept, missed the morning lesson, realized in horror that my phone was lying insidiously at home, and finally, spent 3 excruciating hours w/o my jacket, wondering if it was gonna be splattered with cooking oil. ok, u're wondering already...i was a scoochy silli-scatterbrain--left my jacket at a bench where peeps were frying stuff fer homecoming bazar. Hey,we're all human... nothing more delightfully rejuvinating den a bad hair day ya. haha.(oh, and i had MESSY hair the whole day!!!

Actually, dat's just a lliittle glitch in my new found mettle and strength. Absolutely nothing can ruffle my feathers now. Unless i decide i wanna crumple on the inside, i should be feelin this mental strength for quite some time to come. It's like hey, throw me smthg and i can handle it. Nothing's too hard. i'm good. i'm doing things on my own. (ha, soon i'll be signing a declaration of independence).

i'm not an avid feminist, but what i'm saying is that life goes on whether u're on an emotional roller-coaster or not. Once a while its nice to snap outta it and do some serious work in the real world.

Well, just maybe God's trying to make it up to me, fer all de emotional hi-lo i went thru in de not-so-long-ago past...i'm thinkin dat if being overly emotional makes pple weak and touchy, the the opposite must be true, when u're not caught up in dat tangling mental web u're so much stronger...

oh! i just did smthg exciting, I figured how to access de schools intranet fr home!...using vpn....haha, betcha dunno dat. I'll be happy to advice u on dat...(dun roll those eyes!). i really getting tech-know ah. (haha...tech-no..tech-know..techno)

How big do u wanna be

i signed up for the political science module. BIG mistake! took me just one lesson to get acquainted wif the fact that great thinkers and their philosophies are not to be trifled with, especially by the mere forms of mortal brainwaves owned by one such as thyself. Rude shock! Really, they do seem to take pleasure in fabricating the simplest of ideas into some extricate design.

The likes of higher order thought, like philosophy and literature, always seem to invoke fascination and awe and more than mere adoration in common people. i say this because i am disposed to feelin this way like so many other people i noe. Now i think, this predisposition kinda stemed from a pompous and conceited thought, that i'm better than someone else, who can't appreciate the fineness of prose and intelligent proundfound reason. huh, so i'm one up just because i noe how to write stupid poetry?

Dat's a freakin trivial, senseless thought. How can one person prop himself up and declare superiority over the "rabble" beneath him?...Its must be all in the mind then... People are only different because of 1 thing- some are fortunate and some are not.

when the waves come through the shores lining the west of the indian ocean, did it discriminate between the wealthy arab, european, american tourist and the impoverished indonesian fisherman, women and children. Did it care whether u are white or if u had a condo or if u scraped a living out of begging on the streets? how do we justify class, rank, and skin colour.

Really, how BIG do u wanna be.

library rendezvous

just a short one...

i'm in de midst of one of those disgusting long breaks right now....alone...so the nxt best thing to do i reckon: Hit the library! yok yok, haha.

Great! Got this bosa nova song playing over my mp3 as we speak, and my mind's floating among de clouds yeah...ahhhh.

you noe, its really not dat bad, wif all these time at hand i'm actually reading stuff in de library dat i'll never imagine myself reading and hey, at this rate, by the time dis is all over God noes how much smarter i'll become. And i'm beginning to appreciate its quietness, real great fer alone time. guess i might even fall in luv wif de library(yuck), and make it my all time fav hangout...

So nxt time you can't find me, betcha you noe where i'm at.

Lost and Found

im turning into an obsessive blog addict, i noe. this is the second time im writing in a day. Really, any time the body's not moving is when the mind races. And so as much as i hate to subject myself to the drudgery of work, i would scarcely dare allow meself to steal a spare moment to think...all that thinkin...some day it's either gonna turn me into a sage or a psycho...(seriously i'll prefer the latter)

i need to get this one out of me. all that emotion is too swelling for a mortal body to contain within itself. i can feel it, like a self inflating baloon...i needed to stop the mp3 from playing before i can go on, its playing girl from ipanema and hello...wrong song! this is serious, i gotta rethink the exact pain before i can describe it on paper.

we all know de ja vu (someone told me dats french, well whatever!)... but what i felt wasn't some silly old flashback. the familarity of place and scenario in all that entirety, so real it even smells the same as, reminded me of something that happened before.... And now, the knowing of how much has changed from that once-upon-a-time, and how much i had change, just tugged at my heart...and it was painful, not excrutiating pain kinda pain. it's just kind of mildly poignant...and yes it made me sad. im sad because i felt loss...like a big hole get it. i was such a big asshole.

you noe sometimes life plays tricks on people, the sadness, disappointments, the low points in life...they move forward with you like tinkerhooks(is there such a thing), like scenary on a upright treadmill, u noe those things they use in shows so that the scenary just kinda repeats and repeats itself...sigh...plaged by sadness huh...

you know there's this chinese saying i remember that summarises everything i just said in like 2 lines...its goes like xi ri smthg smthg....anyway, if u happen to know it please enlighten me. it means smthg like "the place is de same but pple are different"...

hate to leave this page, this has been the most honest piece of public writing i've done actually. but den u dun noe how much lighter i feel now, after purging all dat crap. thanks fer reading.

A whim-ish wimpish entry

its 11 in de morning, 1st day of school, and it feels kinda sicky...so im here trying to find time between lessons to blog while waiting fer the stupid ntu server to load my registration page.

God i hate dis...its takin forever and i nid to get bck to classes. but anyway, everything seem a bit toned down for a back-to-school kinda day...it feels colds and unexciting and people are just going around the place like they used to, it's as though the 2 mths break didn't happen at all...u noe its creepy dat people look so normal....its stasifying.

and it didn't help dat im stuck wif a sucky timetable and m now in de midst of trying to change and de damn thing refuses to move any bit faster.

oh am i glad i can still talk to a computer screen now even if i dun get to lunch wif anybody now since evverybody got such fantastic lesson slots...sigh

Good ole new year resolutions( that almost always never come true)

i realise i am writing this now into the first moments of 2005, not intendfully though. Plonging myself in front of the computer in the starting minutes of the new year isn't exactly like de most exciting thing to do....Well but this is where i found myself heading for after a rather uneventful countdown night and very wet hair dats refuses to dry fer sleeping....So since i had to be up i might as well think about the year ahead...

actually dis feels pretty good...its all nice and quite now, so on hindsight im kinda glad dat i opted fer a quiet new year transition. Otherwise i'll probably end up dirty and tired at a countdown party and den still haf ter make my way home after getting all trashed up. Sigh. it's not much of a party mood outside anyway, wif all that rain and the haunting memory of loads of water and huge waves.

wonder if i'll make it through 2005. I mean now it feels awesome and all just ter be alive, knowing that death could just take u anytime from de tsunami incident. So lesson number one (and dis just kinda struck me), Expect not of the world or life itself, Expect good things and change to come from yerself.

Whoa, can't believe i said that. Me, exemplefication of inaction and big time dreamer, now wants ter change the slack-slack-oso-can-pass attitude. Sounds like a lot of work.

okie...my next resolution is gonna haf ter be, no, rather, to stop looking like a cold hearted bitch. Hey, yw if yer reading dis u'll noe wat i mean, and betcha i'm so gonna do it dis year. its probably quite irritating to some people, but i dun really noe u see, cos i'm always inside me. i dun noe if i piss people off and den miss out on some great people just cos i din want to open my stooopid mouth to talk. whooo, guess de ice really haf ter be gone.

okie, wat else. Yesh, i'm so gonna work hard dis year, no more "C"s fer me. Let's start seeing some "B" and "A"s gurl. (and i dun mean "A" fer atrocious, sour grapes)

looks like we've got a real deal ahead. Out of my way guys, unless uhhmm, u're really cute...(ha, biarchy). Chiao.