Feb 28, Monday with morris

Today some group in school presented a research on blogs and they implied, and truely so, that blogs are personal manifestation of an egoistist inner self, constantly presently itself in a "public" persona that it wants people to understand it by. Well i am so damn interested to expound on that theory today. C'mon its fuckin true cos i've been doing that myself and its shameful to admit how much. but fer once i'm gonna be as clean in my blog writing approach jus ter prove a silly point to myself--i don't fuckin care what people will conclude from this.

This is a poem i put just together, took less than 5 min. i found myself in a complusive kind of state, couldn't really get a hold of what i'm thinking, was so confused. Anyway this is about as honest as it gets from me. i self censored cos i've gotta think of the watchful public eyes that tear down almost everything of every person until the their purest of intentions becomes something so base and despicable and totally unhonorable. But today i don't give a damn of what some one will think when he or she reads this cos i took away the tell tales signs from the poem, so you an't really gonna know what it means...anyway its not a pretty sight, pls don't read.


*sorry i deleted the whole poem*

this is total crap, sorry if you had read and felt like i was a complete psycho...cos to be honest i feel like one

i'm a big baby

Today, i'm absolutely appalled by the total lack of faith my folks have in me. I think emotional scale hit rock bottom with a resounding thud. I'd lived TWENTY years of my pathetic life in this freakingly small, greenhoused, safer-than-alcatraz-plus-a casino-vault country, spent 5 years in this house (and would have learned to lock the door properly by now), and they couldn't trust to live alone for a pathetic few days in the house when they're away. Seriously wat can i do, invite people over and stage an orgy?

And they have to top up the embarrassement by asking me to put up wif a relative(hello?). Do u need your realtives to babysit your 20 yr old? Its totally constipating to stay under sb elses roof(even if its only a few days), first it makes u feel like some homeless wretch, and den u never really get to relax and do de stuff u do at home. And bunkin in wif some realtive means u got ter talk ter them. my kinda decorous converstion will probabaly hold up fer abt 15 min before i die of hipocracy.


i was telling them that kids in the west are probably backpackin around the world at my age and here i am, still living with my parents when i'm in university. My folks were like "hmph". Dun fucking "hmph" me ok. dun gif me the "hmph" for crying out loud, my eyeballs needs peeling out cos they are stucked to the ceiling.

yea i'm messy but IT just never occured to u dat some of the greatest minds thrive on mess. How about the supreme duality of managed mess.


great, feel much better now....bye

tired

realized the hard way that sleep, no, the lack thereof, really zaps people of their life juices. I'm so semiconscious today i feel like just falling to the ground and into a deep slumber in the middle of the road(who cares if the rest of them can't pass). And those rings round my eyes, i never knew they were so bad until i saw myself in the mirror today and almost freaked out. Sigh, late nites of minesweeper has gotta go. usually i can sit in front of the lappie a full 2 hrs trying to locate bombs on a square flab....it's really adictive u noe....

all these must be complusive....okie, really need ter go bk to the 105 lect, sigh...dun even noe why im saying all these.

i'm back, and yea i still ALIVE!

Ah, finally....been donkey years since i last undated this thing it almostv look more like a history record now. And i dun blame the computer from protesting, i totally accord my self the responsibility of that neglect to write. That too i will do if i had performed similiar acts of negligience on my friends, cos recently i had developed a particularly unhealthy ritual for singularity in class seating positions. You can't blame me, the best alternative to being around people you have scarcely any bit of interest in and putting a farcical perfomance of civil decorum, is to not be around people at all. I couldn't even remember at what point of time people start to bore me. i think its kinda sad.

besides practical considerations of fulfilling top priority school work, late nights of indulgence in music and minesweeper and total unproductivity was what had kept me from reckonin my thoughts on this page. The music gaming thing had such a hypnotic effect one i start i couldn't pull myself outta it. talk about low self control. Besides that, the other reason was that i consider these few weeks of my like ter be considerably pleasurable. In fact my confidence is peaking-no draggy problems, no emotional crap, new hair, compliments....yeah dis is the life, it could only get better...if only...

So you see, according to a proven tradition that great juicy thoughts only get moving under foul emotional conditions, i haven been getting very creative lately, thus the vacuum of input fer so long on this blog...oh whatever.

There are some things of great secrecy to myself that i would like to pour out on the page like verbal diarrhea, but becuase people do read this blog i can't spell everything out in explicit and readable form. But there are some things that really do bother me

For starters, guys. Seriously, i think they're like a misnomer in my sphere of understanding of the world. I can't relate to them because they just don't think on the same frequency as i do, that is if you do not consider a small fraction of them who seem like they dun even consider the possibility of thought outside that needed for the daily functioning of life. Hey i'm no mister-sogynist, i actually adored several guys b4...it's just not easy to connect with them, i feel.

especially when i have this stupid problem of backing out....(shan't say anymore)

im trying ter pick up the guitar no-so-recently, with not much progress actually cos i still can get over the fact that i produce a flat sound most of the time. Was learning some new songs fr my cousin and my wrist totally hurts and my fingers are painful from trying to entend ever that 2 inches longer to reach the correct postures....haiz kinda demoralizing to think that the rest of us who dun haf talent in music just hafta struggle extra hard to get by...

Im running out of steam now...guess i'll see ya...hopefully soon...ha!